What Does it Mean to be Confident? Truly and Deeply Confident

"If only she had more confidence,” I overheard my parents say more than once. Since I started coaching this word has come up a lot and it’s something I have struggled with as well. It seems to me we have lost touch with what it means to be confident. 

The word confidence is now equated with being sure of yourself. In the sense of “I’ve got this." We all notice the person who walks into a room and exudes confidence. Maybe you are thinking, “they must work here or know the person in charge,” or “they know something I don’t and that’s why they feel more at ease in this environment.” 

But, what if it’s not information that comes from outside of themselves? It’s that they know themselves. I believe what confidence really means is, I am sure of who I am, “I am sure of my self” vs. “I am sure of myself.” 

Let’s separate ability, skills and knowledge from knowing who you are. Who you are, the person you have always been, you at your essence, has nothing to do with information outside of yourself. It is the information inside yourself. 

Here’s what I found from Merriam-Webster.com:

Definition of confidence

1a: a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances

There are many things that I love about this definition, but the gem is the second part. “...of reliance on one’s circumstances.” Why would you feel sure when you aren’t familiar with your circumstances, and can you be certain you can rely on them? Once other people and unfamiliar environments come into play, everything changes. When we distinguish who we are from what we know, we can be more confident.

What if it’s your first time giving a presentation to a group of 50 people? Ask yourself these questions:

Do I know my role when I give the presentation? 

Do I know what I am giving the presentation on? 

Do I know who I am? 

Do I know my material? 

And, do I know that I am new to giving presentations to a group of people? 

And if you answer yes to the above questions, can you be okay with yourself at not being good at everything? Can you show up confident about what you don’t know?

Or let’s say you are home preparing for a webinar that you have given many, many times. You feel confident about your knowledge on this topic, your slide deck and how webinars generally go. But, this time, it’s to people who aren’t native English speakers, it’s a different host platform, or someone in your audience can’t figure out how to mute themselves and there is a lawn mower and dog barking in the background. My point is, you can be confident in yourself and not know how to handle everything that comes up. That doesn’t make you insecure. It means you aren’t omniscient. 

Get to know yourself and your confidence will grow. 

Love and accept yourself as you are and your confidence will grow.

Be comfortable with what you don't know and don't pretend that you do and your confidence will grow. 

Be true to your values and your confidence will grow.

The next time you are entering a situation where you wish you had more confidence, ask yourself, “what don’t I know? Is it me or my circumstances?” 

Once I figured out to distinguish the difference between me and the situation, my confidence has surfaced and stayed present. Nothing can take that away from me because I know better than anyone else what I do and don’t know; and I’m okay with that.

Rachel Ostroy

510.619.6967

rachelostroy@gmail.com